The past 3rd Monday Session got me thinking. Our words have power indeed and the words inside our heads are the loudest. The session detailed how to maximize the energetic output of affirmations, how the positive wording of affirmations is essential to their effectiveness, and other ways to bolster our affirmation practice. During the workshop portion, where participants were asked to bring a topic or concept they wanted to process into affirmation together, a Brave Inquirer asked about releasing negative emotions or patterns through affirmation. We talked about a few concepts like shame, self forgiveness, releasing the past, but I’ll stick to “shame” in this article for clarity.
What I said in the session was: yes, if we can keep the language positive/affirming, we can leverage affirmations to aid in the release. And that knowing these shadows like shame are essential to affirmations working. For example, if we have a deep belief that money is evil, an affirmation practice of “I invite financial abundance” isn’t going to help us get wealth. Sounds like a paradox – how do we believe we deserve money in order to have more of it? We must address that shadow first. Smaller steps in the direction we want to go. Shame absolutely falls into the shadow category – and I applaud our Brave Inquirer for finding this sticking point in their forward motion. Shadow: Shame – known and named. Check.
However, I don’t think I clarified this well in the live session – and failing is human (hi, I’m Traci, it’s my first time as a human. I volunteered for this assignment and totally did not read the fine print. I saw orgasms and naps and clicked “accept”). No one present at the session thought I failed – I received lovely feedback afterwards. And yet, I don’t feel like I fully covered the subtleties.
The Energy Behind Affirmations
Upon further reflection, there’s much more to this. What we think about, comes about. What we focus on, grows. Think of the energy we’re putting towards our affirmations like watering a plant – where we turn our attention (water) is what is energized (the plant). Our attention IS energy, in the literal sense of physics.
There is space for releasing within affirmations, and I have found success with this in the past. And I caution against focusing on undesirables as a repetitive practice – we’re watering our discord. Instead, I recommend using therapy, meditation, breathwork, and energy work to release the stuck emotions in shorter, weekly sessions. Meanwhile, turning our energy towards what it would feel like AFTER the release or without the undesirable to bolster the release process through affirmations – turning our attention away from the shadows and towards the light. The magic of affirmations truly comes from asking for, desiring, imagining what we don’t already have. If we already have shame, imagine the antidote.
And here’s why with shame in particular, and several of the other topics surrounding release – we can’t change our past. Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of “wrong” or foolish behavior. The behavior already happened, it’s in the past. For all the magic in the world, we can’t go back and do things differently. Sorrow is the experience of living in the past, wondering “if-only.” If only I had done things differently, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this now.
Well, Cookie, we didn’t do things differently.
Acceptance is Key
Acceptance of the past is the powerful key to changing how we feel about it in the present. Shame is the feeling in the now. It’s not what we did then that causes us shame and sorrow, it’s how we feel about it now that causes pain in the present. Our brains fire the same chemicals when remembering traumatic events, as if they were happening in real life all over again. And again. And again.
Tell the story of your shame or guilt and feel what happens in your body – it’s as if you are physically reliving it – and chemically, you are. While someone or some event may have hurt us initially in the past, our attachment to the pain, the reliving it through shame, becomes what hurts us over and over again in the present – and we are the ones doing that to ourselves. Our non-acceptance becomes self harm. Which is actually great news – because we can do something about it.
What We Resist, Persists
Non-acceptance is resistance. What we resist, persists – because we’re giving it energy by resisting it – we’re watering the undesirable. Resistance itself adds to our suffering through additional chemical outputs of stress – mental resistance can trigger our amygdala to fire the same stress hormones as if we are in fight/flight/fawn/freeze. (We talk extensively about acceptance & forgiveness and the chemical impact in both the Deep Dive into Inner Compassion available on-demand, as well as the Aligned Relationships Deep Dive, on demand summer 2023. We frequently talk about the fight/flight response on 3rd Mondays – check out the Self Soothing video for an introduction to the concept and juicy practices to combat the activated nervous response).
Turn Towards Acceptance
It is only through acceptance that we are able to change anything. The shame, embarrassment, guilt, sorrow often come from a place of, If only I hadn’t done that, said that, been like that, made that choice, then things would be… different. But they aren’t different, are they? They are precisely as they are now. C’est la vie, mai pen rai – it is what it is.* Our actions have consequences and sometimes, that sucks. *There’s a nuanced difference between, it is what it is – get over it, and it is what it is – accept it even if you don’t like it because it will be easier for you. This is not victim blaming or gaslighting an emotional or traumatic experience. This is aimed to regain what control we do have over our current situation.
Release Resistance
I deeply empathize with this condition of non-acceptance, of resistance. I resisted a LOT of reality for a long time. Resistance causes suffering. It is a temporary condition and we can change it. We change how we tell the stories of our past. We alter how we feel about our past. We own it. It’s like loving the villain because we see more than their actions, we see the story behind it. Ursula was a manipulative bully to Ariel, and also a badass boss witch octopus, which is why some of us secretly love her (referring to the 1989 Disney cartoon film). We know she is a survivor, with complex trauma reactions that yes, need to be addressed. But she survived and arguably, thrived.
Instead of looking at our Past Self as the Villain that is ruining our present, can we look at it more like when Ariel first gets legs? The kid could barely walk! Forks were mind-blowing! Poor sweet thing. Thinking about my Past Self in my 20’s like a mermaid on land for the first time… yeah, no one taught me how to appropriately deal with or express emotions or that it was even okay to have them, or to have healthy relationships and boundaries, or treat my body with dignity, or even believe in my own divinity and inherent worthiness! I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. I get it, Ursula, I survived, too.
Name It
All the things I did then were based on what I learned as survival tools. Everything I did kept me safe up until I left my family of origin, slash started walking on land. I didn’t know anything else. No fucking wonder I was wobbling all over town, using forks to brush my hair. Poor sweet thing. Is there an image, a character, a name you can give your Past Self that incites more compassion? Iceskating Baby Giraffe. Pinky. Roger Rabbit. Forest Gump. Sookie. Kenneth. Anna Bates. Leslie Knope.
The Turning Point
And that’s the turning point – looking at my Past Self with compassion instead of shame or guilt or reproach or even pity. She really was trying. She really did think she had it all together. She really was doing her absolute best with what she knew then. Like looking at my sweet nephews when they were little and spilled things, I want to be super sweet to Past Me, not shame her for not knowing what she couldn’t possibly have known, not saying she should have done it better. I want to hug her, let her cry on my shoulder, give her detox juice and a safe, quiet bed to sleep in. I want to comfort her, tell her she’s worthy, save her from all the messons (mess+lessons) in between then and now.
I did the best I could with what I knew then.
I did the best I could with the resources I had then.
Antidotes to Shame
The other interesting thing about shame in particular – distress caused by the consciousness of “wrong” or foolish behavior – is that it often deals with our perceived value in comparison to others or in comparison to a culturally specified metric. We can change our perception, how we’re seeing things, by changing our perspective, how we’re looking at things.
Self esteem is when our perceived value fluctuates based on our actions, we are right or we are wrong, we did good or we did bad. It makes us feel “better than” others thereby separating us. Therefore, self esteem fluctuates based on whether we feel we are doing something right or wrong, in comparison to something – not based on our own values, our internal compass. Shame is also isolating, it has us feeling alone and less than others. Self worth, by contrast, is the knowledge that we are inherently worthy just for breathing, and so then is everyone else. That we don’t have to perform a certain way in order to have value. We are all valuable just for existing!
Another antidote for shame is questioning why we think we fucked up in the first place. Who said, said who? “To err is human; to forgive, divine” (Alexander Pope). What is that system I’m measuring myself up against? Who created the wrong/right scale? And so what if we’re not “right” all the time anyway? If shame is the feeling of wrong or foolish behavior, who says what we did was wrong or foolish? Perfectionism is completely unattainable for most of us because the metric was designed to oppress all but the few. Meaning we will NEVER get there, no matter how hard we try. So we decide on a new system of measurement, a more compassionate and realistic scale for ourselves moving forward.
The Antidotes
Today, twenty+ years later, I have so much more compassion, and less shame, for all my messy failings and flailings. I’m on the human journey and we only get pieces at a time – we can’t be expected to figure out the whole. Every messon (mess+lesson) I created for myself is a reaction from my survival skills. It’s taken years to slowly identify and unlearn the base conditioning, my unconscious patterns, and I’m sure there are more shadows to unearth. So I offer myself compassion and empathy NOW, too. I’m still fucking up and I accept that’s part of being here on earth. And maybe I’ll have no idea how badly until another couple decades pass. This is the true human condition:
I’m doing the best I can with what I know now.
I’m a divine being having a human experience.
You are not alone – you are not isolated on your journey. You fucked up? Me, too. Let’s be friends.
Inner compassion and empathy are the antidotes to shame, guilt, humiliation, perfectionism, contempt – however you experience that voice in your head that wants you to feel like shit just for being human. And feel free to name that inner asshole (we do this in the Deep Dive into Inner Compassion) – Shame Wizard. Evil Stepmother. Cruella. Regina George. Thomas Barrow. Chanel.
My inner assholes, via pop culture
Our Words Have Power
With this more comprehensive lens, and thanks again to the Brave Inquirer who brought this up, let’s look at affirmations again.
I went back through a stack of affirmations and spells/prayers I wrote at the new moon and/or full moon since January 2020. I pulled out a LOT of favorites – which will be featured in small groups in each coming newsletter.
Affirmations for Releasing
Reviewing them months later, some affirmations I see now as true facts. Others were incredibly powerful in the moment, like *bang*abracadabra*poof* – it happened. In fact, one of the most immediately powerful affirmations was about releasing:
Let all things and people no longer serving my best and highest good gently fall away now.
Two people left my life that same week, no joke. Two relationships that were sticky, confusing, and toxic to my peace. They both gently dropped off like dead leaves. And THAT is the power of affirmations. When we repeat it, we start to believe it – we’re creating new neuropathways in our brain. Our Words Have Power. Use them as best as you can with what you know now.
An additional pro tip I incorporated during this last Taurus full moon affirmation creation, adding slang modifiers really lights me up.
I am a fucking Divine being having a human experience.
I am hella grateful for the badass community that supports me in my life’s work!
These are alternate takes on the releasing shame affirmations shared during the recent 3rd Monday session. There is no right or best. Take what resonates with you, leave what doesn’t.
Alternative Affirmations for Shame
L. collected – Traci edited
I release shame, anger, guilt, and embarrassment.
I give myself grace on this journey of being human.
I clear and release any and all ways I am holding on to shame!
I am perfectly imperfect. I treat my Past Self with loving empathy for all he/she/they survived.
I clear and release all my conscious or unconscious thoughts and feelings of shame!
I release control and surrender my unconscious limiting beliefs, as I flow into the unknown to discover the beauty of the world with new eyes.
I release any and all deep rooted shame!
I am always doing the best I can with what I know now. I did the best I could with what I knew then.
I clear all the ways shame is affecting my body and my life!
I let go of the need to be perfect and embrace what I don’t know, trusting the Universe to guide me towards inner compassion and self worth.
I release my past.
I honor my past with compassion and kindness.
I release negative, damaging patterns of thought and behavior.
My thoughts and behaviors reflect the new me who takes great care of myself / who embodies positive thoughts / who fosters healing patterns / who is confident I’m doing my best.
Talking to Your Self
Thank you, Regina, for trying to protect me. I’m in charge now and I will take care of us. Leslie, you have the mic now.
My inner voices, the helpful and less so, via pop culture, aka my Greek Chorus. And I don’t even drink martinis.
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