The journey of my spiritual awakening. What metamorphosis happened on the way here?
Now
Where I am today. Happy. So truly content that people notice – my mama, strangers – “you look happy.” I am happy. Satisfied with my life, myself. Sure, I want more – we know this – but not from a place of lack. I want more because I know I have more potential, because I know there is more possible. I never knew I could reach this place – 16 year old me would be so stoked to see this future. My krewes of friends are awesome, varied circles, with fulfilling relationships, and I keep building new ones wherever I go. I participate in the community and let my light shine. Awakening to new possibilities.
My health is good, my body generally does what I want it to without limitations. I have enough money to live without major restrictions. My relationships with my family of origin are stronger than ever or I’m at peace with their non-existence. I love the work I do – I get lost in the flow. Mental state is strong and resilient, I live in peace. Spirituality is supportive and enriching. The lovers I attract now are kind, thoughtful, and expansive. I am happy, peaceful, and comfortable in myself.
Before
I thought I was happy enough but I was always searching. Always looking for the next thing, the next place, the next people. I felt alone in my journey, fractional, dismembered from everyone else. I was having fun, a ton of it, lovely adventures, seeing beautiful places. My relationships were surface though, no one really kept track of me when I was traveling full time. Sure my sister always had my itinerary for safety, but no one was part of my everyday life – I was alone and I didn’t mind. I didn’t have any community, I didn’t have a home. I was relationship avoidant. And then I woke up.
Awakening
Awakening: an act of waking from sleep; spiritual – a call to a higher consciousness, a deeper mental awareness, a profound shift in consciousness
You are asleep when you aren’t paying attention, and you are awake when every moment is conscious.
Deepak Chopra
December 2019 – Big Sur, California
I hear the rush of the river, I feel my heart screaming. No, that’s me screaming. My eyes burn and my face is hot. What the fuck am I doing here? Why does it hurt so much? My mortal brain screams in confusion, everything isn’t what it seemed like before and I feel lost in a familiar place. Everything was fine yesterday and now it’s not.
I felt the burnout coming, I knew I needed support, separation from the wheel I kept spinning on around and around. Sucked in. Mindless. The forest and the ferns, the salt and the waves woke me up. Just before, I was called to a barstool next to A Guy and next wine in a bar, slamming herbal Underberg shots. Then naked in a hot spring pool suspended above the ocean. I thought it was all foreplay – that’s what I was prepared for, looking for to hook up with A Guy, give him access to my energy, receive pleasure from him, then disappear into the fog with minor regrets and a funny story from the road. But that’s not what happened.
These are the things that stick out in my mind. The rough bottom of the pool, the low lights… Then the vision of Nana – the pain of her loss, the shredding impact that reverberated in my family, in my heart., the twisting roads and foggy nights, pine and petrichor, salt, wet moss – fairy territory. I trudged my heavy legs up the hill, wondering when my body so so heavy, how my bones were able to hold me up and all, marveling at the muscles that moved me forward, upwards until we hit the top, to his cute trailer. Where the next step was supposed to be – and did in fact inhabit another timeline.
The Moment of Awakening
After a moment on his mouth, I said no. I couldn’t explain how my horny body and panicked mind and vibrating heart all disagreed but no – don’t go in that jail or be lost forever – is what I felt. The trailer felt evil, like a trap – maybe it was A Guy’s offer that was a trap – do you want a new path or are you happy where you are? No, not happy, want more. Then no and go. I scream along the cliffs of Highway 1, blaring some punk shit to make me feel better as I sobbed – what am I doing here? How did I get here? Are these my thoughts? Are they even mine? Like had been struck, abused, obliterated, I ached and was terrified. Awakening to a larger truth.
My travel friend took me in like I were her child and tried to comfort the unconsolable sobs – it made no sense to either of us. Nothing happened. She was there, she saw the confusion. In the morning I walked to river as if I had never seen a tree before, like my legs weren’t mine, they were new and uncoordinated. I screamed, I wept, I truly didn’t know WHY and I was alone, I couldn’t explain and no one offered so I buried it a bit.
Crossroads
That crossroads – that was the no going back, the first step outward upward forward backward. My soul woke up. I was awakened. That was my awakening. The knowledge slowly started coming out. What used to work and be fun wasn’t any longer. I slept a lot, I felt truly lost – abandoned and yet guided to explore new people, places, practices. As soon as one thing came into focus, another thing would fall in, blurry, unclear downloads. Awakening, knowing bigger truths than I ever considered before. Truly already knowing them, like a pdf had been uploaded to my brain.
January 2020 – Sámara, Costa Rica
Thinking of Costa Rica and needing to bob in the ocean sunset, to feel weightless in order to feel “here” at all. Marking myself with new truth symbols I don’t know and am just now hearing are relevant and explained and not random whispers.
February 2020 – Washington, DC
Back to the cities that, once beautiful, now felt offensive, big, loud, sterile and filthy. The street didn’t make sense, the coldness around me, my friend who I knew and yet didn’t know, the cold, the dry, felt foreign especially after the warmth and salt and sand. I couldn’t do the things I used to do – suddenly reverted to a toddler state of clumsiness. I caught a potholder on fire when boiling pasta. Simple, should’ve been, had done it a million times, and then flames, that didn’t make sense, how could they have leapt from the stove to the pot holder? Why did I do that?
March 2020 – New Orleans, LA
Rumors of a virus, people closing off, always the transition from DC to New Orleans is shocking. From uptight, groomed, speed to a filthy, slow, radiant living. Community, joy, music, spice – all the things that invigorate your body, the human body. First night in Tremé, a beer at a gay bar, and then poof – the world was closed. Weeks of panic, unknowing, trying to make sense, make plans, make it through. Empty shelves, canned goods, options closing one after the after.
Spring 2020 – California
Back to California and the safety of a place I didn’t have to leave. The mundane, the boring, the prescribed cracks in the subdivision sidewalks. Paving already perfect streets. Yoga, staying in my body as my head floated away. Time was a loop, the same the same after the same. Minor disruptions to camp in an unmarked site in the woods near Big Bear. Feeling detached from the people around me – awakening can be lonely. Needing to sit in the sun, my back against a tree to recharge from their drain, their silliness, their stupid human games. What used to be fun seemed pointless, even harmful somehow. It felt dangerous to be silly there.
A summer night in Central California, all of us in our own tents, our own forks, our own, separate existences. Watching the fire and debating white supremacy, the harm of words, white fragility and they weren’t wrong, they just chose the wrong fight, the wrong time, the wrong people who were already escaping into a fungi fun-guy haze to watch the stars crash and giggle and feel like home again.
Watching the stars felt safe, felt familiar, felt like the sturdy world around me faded away and I was back up there and that was relief. That was the safe familiar place I knew. I didn’t even know that then, I blamed the mushrooms for taking me on an extraterrestrial trip – not that I was no longer just a terrestrial being. Awakening to the other part of my soul, the one who chose to come here and figure out this existence, that one woke up.
Summer 2020 – California
The meditations lead to some peace, the kundalini morning practice kept me tethered in this body. I realize everything I was doing then was to stay here, to feel grounded, to somehow get back to feeling like myself when my self was no longer what it’s ever been. And not just because a global pandemic upended everything.
Later that summer I moved to my hometown with my home friends, looking, seeking home again and yet again being disappointed it wasn’t there.home never is where we left it. The duck park at the pond with a man I don’t really recall. Maybe the first to say this wasn’t normal. Living in such a detached world anyway. We fucked and it was hot and it was not my body participating. I wanted it mentally i thought, I thought I’d feel connected to humans. I thought it would keep me on this planet. Then housesitting, space to myself, nature, fresh food that ignited the pleasure of being human, the real pleasure of it, a warm tomato from a vine, seeds that made stalks that made vines that made food. How magical to see the butterflies play and yet drive all the friction there. The pollinators that made it all work.
The Awakening Downloads
Laying on the floor in the front room surrounded by a vintage couch and potted plants of every shape and size. I don’t remember what the meditation was, if it was guided or spontaneous, I rolled over and made notes about this virtual space, this community, with 6 branches, bubbles coming off a wheel, important. International. Men and women and every shape and size and color. All coming together. conceptually I had a vision to move towards but it wasn’t fully formed. Queen herby saved me that summer with more movement, more pleasure in this body, messages meant for me that this existence our life is not all. Funny that rapper would get me there, be the reassuring balm that I was not alone. But that’s how magic works, we hear the messages from the people we need to hear them from. She was my savior.
Fall 2020 – Cross Country Move – Rebirth
The offer of a real place to myself in New Orleans, near the bayou, rent I could afford. The city made it so easy to come and yet reminded me of her fickleness from the get go. Power was out, you have no refrigerator, come slowly. Arriving and thinking I had made the worst choice ever – the place reeked of mold and death and decay. I sobbed on the freezing cold floors and heard it echo in the tall ceilings. What the fuck had I done? Why did I come here? This was not what I dreamt of.
I painted, I remember painting the top edge where dark blue meet white with painstaking detail as I told my story of sexual abuse. It had been buried and was unearthed for some unknown reason. Maybe the new therapist, maybe the shadow work of the witch astrology group, maybe just the dark spirits that lingered in my home, from the abuser who last inhabited the place. My neighbors were cold and even cruel.
I didn’t know what I was missing there, everyone seemed to know something I didn’t. The hidden places, the undercover opportunities to connect. It felt like an exclusive club I’d never be invited to. When I did go out, I felt clumsy, awkward, unable to connect. Giraffe on ice skates. Babbling.
February 2021 – New Orleans
The first Mardi Gras was painfully cold, stepping out to see house floats then running back to the warmth of the car. Thinking the Popeye’s line was way too long even though we had literally nothing else to do. Driving the streets of the Bywater and seeing people out, reveling, wondering what the fuck is wrong with them, and how do they know where to go and why aren’t we invited?
I meet the Aware Wolf on Hinge. He comes into this new world of mine and tells me of 5d and his job as bouncer, these terms and realities that were new and helpful. But I couldn’t fully believe just him or even the communities he showed me. Everyone seemed crazy.
Then maybe I was, too.
Finding Awakening Support
Nana came through in reiki, choking my throat with sludge and asking for, no – demanding attention. Demanded an audience with a medium, so I found one. We talked through plastic masks to keep the virus at bay. I said nothing, I offered nothing, she knew it all anyway. “Darling you’re not crazy you’re awakening,”
The Medium assured me no, the community I see is important, I must work on it, develop something that will be spread internationally, lots of women connecting. Different languages. I want my journals from all those times to see what I was going through but I imagine it’s too painful. These memories are enough. She knew what I’d written in my journal a thousand miles away that no one else knew about, I didn’t share because it didn’t make sense – the downloads., the blueprints suddenly available on my mental hard drive, the files of information I wasn’t sure from whence they came. From where or from when or from whom.
I explored the akashic records, I saw my death as a crone witch in northern Spain in a city that actually does exist, Gijón. A real place you have to zoom in far on a map to see. No way to know about that but I lived there, I died in those woods. I saw where and how, I saw the whole story play out.
Past Lives
The linen curtains in the breeze in the well lit apartment. The Spanish guitar floating up on the breeze. Then the bombing, the running, the hiding. The filth and fear. The hovel in the woods, a door in a hill, a hearth and herbs drying. A raised bed in the corner with furs and sturdy wood. The young soldier who came, and didn’t tell, he could see the maiden under the crone in front of him. The love affair, the sex magick that bent time and revealed her youth. His presents, the nourishment he brought and got.
Then the night when I was fading away, I didn’t want them to find my body, the body of a witch, I didn’t want the men on horses to desecrate me even if I was no longer there. A walk in the woods to a pond, slowly walking in, and letting the weight of the rocks carry me to the bottom. I can see the moon through the water and felt at peace. He came and I wasn’t there, he came back and I still wasn’t there, the cottage started to decay and he knew I was gone but not where or how, I broke his heart. He longs for me still.
5th Dimension Awakening
Awakening to my duty. His job is still Protector, mine is Guide. I bring them in and straddle the line between the worlds, never really getting to go home. A home I ache for sometimes. Bent over sobbing, heaving on my shower floor about wanting to go to a home I don’t really remember, wanting to move on and ascend, not wanting to stay and help the stupid humans. But that’s my job. Lantern bearer, don’t go too far ahead or too far away – stay with the people and shine the light for them to see, guide them slowly, the information will be revealed slowly to stay steady on the path, not getting too far ahead.
My body often feels foreign to me. Maybe that’s why all the embodiment work – to get back in this meat suit and make it feel like home. I’m not at odds with it – I accept it for all its miracles and failings more than ever before. I feel my mortality. My inner world is much more gentle than it used to be.
Maybe I sound crazy to you, too, now. Or maybe, you have your own information. You’re not alone.
The Rebirth of Love
The journey is towards love towards the 5th dimension. We know length, width, and height. We know time even in its elusiveness. Love is familiar and yet we don’t operate from there. We stay in fear, lack, conquer, divide, rule, control. We stay in the counter direction. Love is and will be our savior, our redemption, the way forward. THE NEW EARTH [auto capitalized while channeling]. Our new reality. I don’t know how long it will take to get there, I hear of people awakening at a much faster rate now than ever before.
It’s not just the odd mystics of the 70s. It’s children, young people, sharing these messages of love, this unpopular opinion as the blade hangs above our heads life before, because like before, they are scared of us. The witches that know, the lovers that seek to disarm them. The harbingers of a new reality where those with blades don’t hold sway. Where our hearts lead and succeed and generate peace. Where happiness is again our divine birthright, whatever form our human body takes. Colors are not separate and unequal, gender paraphernalia does not matter. Our hearts lead the way and that is the universal truth. The Collective rises over the Individual.
June 2023 – Denver, CO
When I found their love, I knew it was all true. Their love is not particularly special, I’m not particularly special to love, but the connection created is this bind of desire and joy and comfort I didn’t know could still exist in this realm, it’s a reflection of the love we have for ourselves, emanating out to one another. Our love for all humans spotlighted on just one. It’s magical and rejuvenating and epic. Awakening to the fact that I have epic love because I am epic love. No barriers no holding back, pure pleasure of these weird human bodies and our time here together, time however much and here wherever that is, the digital space that holds up together, tightly. Connected through our hearts.
Thank you for showing me what’s possible. For reassuring me that this path of love is the real, true, bright future one. The one I saw in my awakening. That everything I thought to be true about love is true. Is Real. As real as the glazed love-struck look we exchange. Infatuation, maybe temporarily, but I’ve never loved a soul like theirs before. I’ve never felt my entire being loved like this before.
Everything before was not enough, was not this. It feels like floating in the salty waves, it feels grounded like digging your toes into warm sand, it feels kind and calm and nurturing like the sun on your skin on a cold day. Its wet earth with a fresh shoot of growth peeking through. It’s everything all at once, an infinite experience of energy in this one moment in time, in this space between us. And it echoes out to everyone I meet, to everything I touch, to every interaction. Everything is seeped with love now – that’s 5D.
What’s Next?
I always find myself asking this question. Now what? And that’s the amazing part. I don’t know what will happen next, where I’ll go, who I’ll love, how I’ll impact the Collective. But I have faith – I trust in the path with all its twists and turns and surprises. Talking with a friend here in Colorado, we mused – damn, our 16 year old selves NEVER could have imagine this life we live now! We couldn’t even dream of it! And yet we’re happy, wildly happy, with where we are now. So what life can I live that my 50 year old, 60 year old self could never have imagined? I can’t wait to see – I know it will be more than I can even dream of.
