Balanced Roar update – August 2025
Where I Started
Jumping in
I started Balanced Roar with an article on Fear. And everything I did in the years following was scary. I got more used to fear as a companion, and doing it all anyway. Sharing my hot takes and relationship turmoil on TikTok. Guiding you all along similar journeys. A teacher, a guide, doesn’t have to know it all – but there is always someone a step or two behind who can benefit from our knowledge and experience. Letting myself be seen in my mess was scary, every single time, every step of the way. And y’all gave me such support to continue sharing. I am super proud of everything we’ve shared and accomplished together.
And then grief, perimenopause, and ADHD came in like Thing 1, Thing 2, and Thing X to turn everything topsy turvy. I walked through the looking glass and even the familiar is warped. I tried to sustain Balanced Roar, for a bit. But I wasn’t, haven’t been, am still not, in a creation, sharing, or teaching space. And I don’t want to even phone it in with chat gpt newsletters. I’ve been deep in the trenches learning the next chapter to share. And I don’t have the energy required to maintain Balanced Roar, certainly not as y’all deserve. As you may or may not have noticed!
Where I Am Now
Pause
Can you observe the difference between what you want to do and what you are willing to do?
In the last six months, I learned SO much. The big trick is to simplify, delegate, or pause. A microwave simplifies food prep. I ask friends to include me in dinner plans, to delegate. I can’t ask anyone to do or be Balanced Roar for me, and so it must pause.
Most days, I have a quarter tank of gas. It’s now crystal clear where I want to spend what little gas I have when the basics are barely covered. Barely. And crystal clear where I am not longer willing to spend any energy.
And I am unapologetically defending my right, my need to decide who and what and where has access to that gas – it’s now a precious, revered resource. I’ve lost a lot of connections, friends, lovers, in this state. I cannot – am utterly incapable – of showing up how I used to. Literally not possible. And I’m unwilling to bear the strain of trying to.
So if those relationships were based on what they got out of me – on what I contributed, shared, did, said, whatever – we’re done. Because chances are, they’re not getting it out of me anymore. You can’t bleed a turnip, right. I am no longer willing to spend my resources on masking. I’m willing to disappointment people. I’m willing to withdraw from a deep investment.
AND I’ve seen the spaces and relationships where my changing needs and contributions are wholeheartedly welcome. THAT is where the little gas goes. And those relationships and spaces have been incredibly fulfilling and nurturing. Thank you.
Love and care does not require me doing anything.
I thought I was feral villain or punk rock before? Friiiiiiendz, honey badger doesn’t have a fuck to give, I’m not even gonna check my purse to look for one.
Where I’m Going
This is how my body and mind are.
I won’t make plans, buy tickets, or commit to anything stagnant.
I release myself from any imposed guilt or shame about resting, detaching, non participation. All energetic debts and obligations are terminated effective yesterday.
I am the only thing I have to do.
For now. Until further notice.
Pause.
Fluid
After this newsletter, I’m giving myself the freedom to not think about it until October. You all, Balanced Roar, this work, has been hovering in my peripheral, buzzing constantly for attention. Do something, say SOMEthing. That’s what this is – me saying something so I can stop thinking about it. So I can check it off the revolving to-do list. I owe you that, I do, this is me settling up.
Just this past week, I made some progress clearing the brain fog of the past 18+ months. Brief glimpses of clarity, ish. My head bobbing above the surface for half a breath at least, at last. The next phase of creation will be solely for me, from my muses, shared with and to benefit the larger collective. Gurl, don’t ask me how – details are not my job.
I trust, and know from experience, that when I walk in a heartfelt direction, the details will come. This next phase is going to be even scarier. I deeply know now how much I can lose when I lay it all out on the table. And if it’s a bigger table with higher stakes, that’s fucking scary. And I can’t not do it. I’ll wait until I have 2 coins to rub together and bet it all. Again, and again.
Because that’s my job. I am a lantern bearer. The one who walks into the dark and unknown. I stumble so I can show you the path. When I hold the light, you see me. And it absolutely won’t look like it has in the past. Good, I know that route. And I’ll take up the lantern again. After a pause…
xoxo – traci