A man tried to kiss me yesterday (04/22/22) after our date and I pushed him away and said no, you didn’t ask. He texted after I left, “Ooohhh I’m so sorry I didn’t ask! So dumb! Great date though!” Why am I still explaining consent?
I replied, “Just made it home. Yes it was nice, and I’m surprised after all your talk of being a feminist, my talk about dating safety, that you’d still think it’s okay to touch my body without asking. I have to ask my body what she wants, so do you! Not mad, just sayin.”
He replies, “Yeah you’re right, you’re totally right. In my defense I just leaned in, I don’t think I actually touched you? But hey, I had a great time and I hope we can do it again. Totally understand if you’re not interested though.”
“Kissing me, intending, attempting, without asking is the same premise. Consent. It’s infuriating that I still even have to have this conversation TBH. I’m going to bed, I’ll think on it.”
I wasn’t mad that he attempted to kiss me but he hadn’t read the room. There weren’t sparks flying, I wasn’t leaning in, I wasn’t touching him and flirting. It felt like a business date, one where he spoke the entire time. Every so often, he’d catch himself and ask about me, only to interrupt with more of him. I ended the date earlier than he anticipated and yet he still tried to kiss me. Without asking. After talking about being a feminist for half the date. Performative, at best.
Consent for All
Consent is about honoring my autonomy, that I have a voice in what happens to my body, in each and every moment. Feminism, by definition, is the belief in and advocacy for equality of the sexes. And it is about respecting the historical truths that women have suffered abuse at the hands of men for hundreds of years, and most of us directly in our lifetimes, recognizing the trauma that exists, and actively trying to break the cycle by doing better. Intersectional feminism means that different forms of discrimination, like gender, race, socioeconomic status, can overlap and compound the experience of discrimination. “Using an intersectional lens also means recognizing the historical contexts surrounding an issue.” We’re not just starting from zero – okay we can all be equal now. There’s too much history.
He also picked up the courtyard cat who struggled to get away. Okay I recognize that most people don’t ask animals for consent, but why not? Clearly, not reading the room again. The cat wasn’t asking to be picked up, jumping into his arms or lap, most cats don’t like strangers or being picked up. Even me being familiar with the cat, I don’t pick her up, and certainly not without asking! It all speaks to a belief that he can do whatever he wants to other Beings.
You. Cannot.
Try this:
I go in for a hug, saying goodbye, thanks for the date. He could have hugged me longer, wrapping me up in a safe feeling, feel if I melted in or pulled away. Could have held my hand as we parted and looked me in the eye, and said, I’d like to kiss, is that okay? Or, can I kiss you?
Because those few words speak volumes. They say, I see you as a whole, sovereign Being, I honor your body, I respect the historical context of men and women. I want you to feel safe with me, I want you to know I won’t harm you.
Now that’s sexy consent.
Unfortunately, a lot of women stay in uncomfortable, even dangerous, situations because we’re scared to end it in the moment, for conditioned politeness or fear of actual bodily harm. Men often never hear about it afterwards. For example, drunk or high at a party, hook up with a man, “wake up” in the middle of it wondering where you are and who you’re with, and instead of leaving, letting him finish because it’s the path of least resistance. Because we don’t want to be physically forced so acquiescing seems safer in that moment. Because we don’t want him to spread rumors, throw a tantrum. Shame us.
He thinks, we had a hot hook up.
She thinks, why the fuck did I do that, I’m so stupid to get myself into that situation, etc – shame stories abound.
If a person is not sober, a person cannot give consent. Truly.
Consent happens moment to moment.
Because I kiss you once does not mean I have to/want to ever again.
Because I took my shirt off, doesn’t mean my pants are coming off and it doesn’t mean I can’t put my shirt back on.
Because we started to have sex, doesn’t mean I can’t stop it in the middle.
Because we had sex once, doesn’t automatically mean it will happen again, even in relationships.
Each and every moment – new consent is needed.
It doesn’t have to be a series of questions, can I can I can I. Start paying attention to the microgestures of your partner and stop listening to your dick and ego, your wants.
The journey comes in looking at your reactions to any of those situations. What stories are coming up?
You’re getting hot and heavy with a woman, foreplay is fun, you penetrate, start getting into it, and she wants to stop. She gets up, leaves the room, you’re left there with a hard dick thinking….
What the fuck happened? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with her? What bullshit game is this?
What story comes up for you?
Now think back to what I said earlier. In some way, sex made her uncomfortable. Most reasons boil down to, she doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t feel good, it’s stirring up something else.
What would a compassionate response look like?
Do you want to talk?
Can I hold you? (no funny business, for real)
Do you want a ride home/me to leave?
How can I support you right now?
Ask! And then listen and accept.
I just need to be alone.
I hear you, I’m leaving. Call me later if you want to talk. Pants on, out the door.
Emotions can be overwhelming in the moment.
Often when big emotions get stirred up, we get overwhelmed by them. Penetrative sex can be particularly triggering. Have you ever cried after an orgasm? It may not mean anything, it could just be a further bodily release, or it could mean more. But it’s hard to get clarity with emotions and hormones pumping. We have to get back to stasis before we can get clarity.
Moving to this new mode doesn’t make you some bitch boy. In fact, quite the opposite. You’re creating safety for us to flourish, to open, to expand and create. I still want a man to “be a man,” but not the toxic, controlling version most have been taught. Your strength lies in your vulnerability and your desire to protect us. Your strength lies in your boundaries, in your willingness to share YOUR feelings and emotions.
Think about that truly, not shielding us from attackers in the wild, but making a safe space for us to finally let our guard down. We are on high alert all the time – at work, walking around, parking our cars, doing basic things. Most of us don’t even know it or recognize it because it’s so familiar, feeling vulnerable all the f*cking time.
So when I get “home” to my man, that must be a safe place. I have to know he’s on my side, that I’m the safest I could possibly be there with him. That I can lay down my burden, unfold my petals, open and invite him in fully. And that’s my responsibility, to open up and expand in a safe place. And I want him to feel safe, too. In creating a safe space for us both to thrive, we are open to co-create whatever we desire. Our safety in intertwined.
06.04.22 A few dates later, different fella, and here we are again.
I did extend the hug, I pulled him in tight. And he kissed me, without asking. Again he had spent the whole night, I’m not like them, I respect women.
And yet, you don’t.
The reason for consent is to make me feel safe with you. When I feel safe, I can let down the guards and open up. Then I can flourish, I can create, I can be sensual and fun because I am safe. This is good for us both. You get to flow with the river, too, and feel safe and be vulnerable. We can be safe together. We can create together.
He said he “meant to be respectful and be a gentleman.” But you didn’t do it!! Show me.
Show. Me.
I wondered, why, when I’m clear in my consent boundaries and communicate them, are these guys still not getting it? Even when they say they do get it, that they’re not the ones who harm women, that they always respect women. And this is my journey to explore – do I continue to choose men I expect to violate my boundaries? Do I still not think I’m worthy of safety? Is this practice of boundaries, speaking up, enforcing so that I am able to receive safety when it’s presented?
Consent starts at home.
The way I got to strong consent boundaries is by self practice, by listening to my body and my needs, and not even forcing my own habits and desires on my Self. This takes being present in your body and tuning in, asking questions and listening for the answer.
Do I want to eat that? Do I feel like drinking tonight? Am I in the mood to go out? Do I want to masterbate? Does it feel good to touch myself like that?
It’s a practice in listening to our intuition, the quiet whisper over the noise of our ego, our habits, our conditioning, our mindless existence. Autopilot.
The Third Monday session in June was Develop Your Intuition. There are ways to tune in and strengthen this muscle. Replay is available.
Practice – body scan
Imagine passing a small spotlight over your entire body, slowly, part by part. Start at the top of your head, go around your entire skull, around your neck, throat, left shoulder, left elbow, left forearm, left wrist, left hand, each individual finger…and so on. What comes up?
We are the compassionate witness here. No judgment, just observations. My neck is tight. Noted. Stop the stories- I slept wrong, my pillow sucks, I overdid it at the gym, etc. We’re not after the stories here, just observing what’s happening in our body. My neck is tight. Noted. Keep scanning.
The practice is to observe what’s happening in your body without judgment, without trying to fix or change or explain it. Just observe.
Imagine watching cars go by on a busy street. There’s a silver sedan. That’s a red truck. There’s a motorcycle. That’s it. Note what is happening.
Body scanning helps us tune in to what Is, what exists. That’s the practice.
Set an alarm to practice daily or several times a day. Maybe before each meal, take a couple minutes to scan and see what’s there.
Over time, you may witness patterns or connections between your body and your emotions. You may notice a connection between the outside world and your inner landscape. This can lead to us setting boundaries for ourselves.
This may look like:
I feel tight in my stomach after meeting with a particular group of people. I am uncomfortable being my true self around them so I will limit my time spent with them.
I feel my throat constrict when I talk to my mom. I’m scared to speak up because she puts me down. I will talk to her about that.
My chest feels tight in large crowds. I am nervous about my safety. I’m not ready for big post-pandemic events. I will choose smaller crowds until I feel ready.
Body scanning regularly also illuminates when things change so we don’t get stuck in the same story or pattern. When we set boundaries, we regain our power. We tell ourselves that we’re in charge, we’re autonomous, we’re a sovereign being.
Like all our practices, when we honor our own experience, we can honor others’ experience with more ease.
What’s your experience with consent – both with your Self and others?
Note: this article is written from a heternormative perspective but consent is applicable to all romantic and sexual relationships.
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