Balanced Roar

I’m stupid, why would I do that? What possessed me? How could I think that was a good idea? If you had brains, you’d be dangerous. What an idiot. Knock it off, ya dum dum. You should’ve known better.

👆 Previous tape from my mental loop.

It stings a bit to read it now because that was my inner voice. I said that to myself – all the time, for decades. Not that long ago yet a lifetime ago.

And I don’t like the person speaking – they’re mean, cruel. Hella mean! I don’t hang with mean people anymore. If someone talked to my friend like that, there would be a “hold my earrings” situation. 

Stop being mean to my friend!

And yet, it was okay to talk to myself like that.

Was.

It’s not acceptable anymore. It took work, continues to take work, to replace that mental loop of brutality. “Ya dum dum” is one that persists for me – it seems innocuous enough but it’s dangerous, too. One phrase from that mental loop, I recognized from my caregivers, something they actually said out loud to Little Me. Well screw you guys, I’m an adult now, I’m in charge, and I don’t believe that shit!

Stop being mean

Which leads us to how to stop negative self talk, how to stop being mean to ourselves. In psychology, it’s called a “don’t do” goal and they are considered the least realistic type of goal. Stop smoking, Stop negative self talk. Stop overspending. Stop overeating. It’s also called a Dead Person’s Goal because a dead person could achieve the goal. Corpses don’t overeat – goal achieved. Corpses don’t smoke – goal achieved.

Instead, we reframe the goal of “stop being mean” into replacing that action, start doing something. Instead of calling myself some flavor of dumb every time I mess up, drop something/ miss a turn/forget something, now I turn to inner compassion. I replace the mean chiding with a more gentle response. I think of what I would say to my nephews or my friends’ kids. 

You spilled? Okay, we’ll clean it up. No big deal.

Inner compassion is not self-esteem 

Self-esteem and inner, or self, compassion are both ways of relating with oneself. Self-esteem may look like replacing negative self talk with positive mantras. I am rich, I am that bitch. Inner compassion is linked to mindfulness, the practice of non-judgmental observation of our thoughts and emotions.

However, researcher Kristin Neff Ph.D. emphasizes the distinction between self-esteem and inner compassion (she uses both terms, inner compassion and self-compassion).  She describes self-esteem as our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. This value is often tied to our feeling special or separate from others which can lead to putting others down to feel better about ourselves. And our self-esteem is based on our success or failure so it fluctuates with our perceived value moment to moment.

“In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on). This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.  Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden. Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face!  Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.”

Kristin Neff Ph.D. – SelfCompassion.org

THIS is practical magic. We transmute negative reactions for a kinder perspective that is not based on toxic perfectionism, and radiates out to better the Collective. Compassion practice starts at home. When we have compassion for ourselves, all our flaws and failings stop looking like flaws and failings and more like…just being human. When we allow ourselves to be messy, floppy humans, we inherently extend that same grace to others, too. 

Look at that person being human.

How lovely. 

In context, this reminds me of the Devil card in tarot. It kept coming up for me recently which forced me to explore its myriad meanings. One aspect of the Devil card is learning to approach our bedevilments with humor. Can we take ourselves and this human experience (experiment?) a little less seriously? Can we laugh at our past Self, knowing that our future Self will be laughing at our present Self? So then we should laugh at our current Self – laugh with the one who got so twisted up about spilling a drink. Hilarious! Who cares??? Really, who cares? 

(If you came up with a name there, Well Gladys cares about spills – you may want to reevaluate your relationship with “Gladys” who shames you, yells at you, makes fun of you for spilling, accidentally not out of spite, which can be cleaned up and is therefore a temporary state, on their rug, a material object. Just sayin.)

Why inner compassion matters

Another fun fact is that we are more likely to achieve our goals/manifestations, and be happier in the process, when we practice inner compassion. What!? We thrive more in kind, compassionate environments than in judgmental, harsh ones. Especially when that environment is how we relate to ourselves. Criticism turned on ourself activates shame, blurs the truth of what we’ve done, and zaps our motivation.

Dr. Kristin Neff further explains that when we make a mistake, we feel threatened and go into fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses – we attack ourselves – I’m the danger, I’m the problem. However natural the response is, it’s counterproductive because it inhibits our ability to make productive change. Research shows that inner compassion leads to people being more resilient and more determined – they’re more willing to fail and try again and to try harder the next time.

Inner compassion on the journey of self inquiry

Taking all that information in, we see that inner compassion is helpful if not essential for the gentle journey of self inquiry, self development, growth, healing. The Journey, regardless of the label, is full of pitfalls, missteps, failings, utter devastation. We’re gonna fuck up, we’re going to get it wrong, we’re going to backslide. It is not a journey of linear progress.

Let lessons/growth take as long as they take.

Be kind to yourself along the way.

Have compassion for others on their paths or who haven’t even started yet. We’ve all been there, at the beginning, and we’ll be there again.

How you treat yourself on the journey IS the journey. 

I got a little mind blown when I looked for an image for this article. You can’t spell “compassion” without “compass.” Let compassion guide your way!

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