Balanced Roar

Real-Time Relationshipping

Every interaction with another human is a relationship. I don’t care how you label it or how shallow it is – fuck buddies, dating, seeing some, your partner – it’s a relationship.

We can do better. I recently experienced some serious testing ground for my relationship skills – here’s how it went, in real time. I processed my experience as it was happening. The other person involved doesn’t get to have their say, in this case. This is solely my experience based on my perspective.

Relationship Boundaries

Relationship boundaries come from self boundaries. I know what my boundaries are. I know when they are violated. I know this now, I have not always known, have not always enforced, have not always recognized what it feels like to let boundaries slip. It feels like a piece of me is being chipped away. Like I’m not fully me anymore. Relationships don’t have to be hard though.

When we create boundaries and let them go, we lose trust in ourselves, we abandon our Self. We don’t trust ourselves to take care of us. Our self trust is key to boundaries as well as self confidence, inner peace, and healthy relationships. We can’t fully be in ourselves if we are constantly giving it away, letting people take what is not offered, and treating us how we don’t want to be treated without consequence.

I dated a string of jerks for most of my life. I mistook sexual interest for interest in my heart and soul. The same pattern in different bodies. It wasn’t until I took ownership of my participation that it changed. I looked for different types of people, I saw red flags earlier, and the Universe removed those toxic people from my life with ease.

Violation

Which brings us to today. I’m in a new relationship with a new type of (potential) partner for a couple months now. It’s new, he’s different from the rest. And yet, a boundary was crossed. He treated me in a way I don’t accept being treated. I do not abide. He was going to lie, by omission, to me about hosting a party I wasn’t invited to. But when he figured out he might get caught because I’d be in the proximity, he told me I was not invited, using random excuses. 

So he would have been comfortable not telling me about his party at all. Lying by omission is still lying. And he very ungracefully told me about the situation via text, when we spent 7 hours together a few days earlier when presumably he already knew he was having people over. He could have talked to me about it in person but chose not to. He could have lied and said he was going to be elsewhere.

Instead he took the mean-girl route and told me I was not welcome. For my part, I would have liked to see him just to say hi on the way to hang out with my friends but did not expect or want to be together all evening, for the record, and I made that clear. I felt disrespected and unwanted. My friends wouldn’t treat me like this, why should I let someone I’m dating?

Be Curious in Every Relationship

One of the two reasons he gave was that I’d be uncomfortable not knowing anyone, acting like he was protecting me. This is not based in reality. I spent three and a half years traveling solo and talking to strangers. I moved across the country during the pandemic to a town where I only knew 2 people and made friends, by going to parties and events where I didn’t know anyone, and by talking to strangers. This showed me he doesn’t know me at all and/or more likely, was looking for an excuse for the real reason – this was a red herring. I also considered that he’s projecting his own insecurities or social anxiety at events where he doesn’t know anyone, possibly remembering a previous relationship with someone who was clingy in the same instance, or some other reason that had to do with him, not me.

The second reason he gave was that his in-law blows anything with a woman he’s involved with out of proportion. Which tells me there’s a history of this behavior that he continues to let happen. He lacks boundaries and he avoids conflict. Avoiding conflict isn’t always a terrible thing except when the avoidance negatively impacts your life, like this situation. He can’t bring any dates where his in-law will be for fear of, what? Their teasing him, asking uncomfortable questions, riddling the date with questions… I’m unclear on what it actually looks like but I’m clear on the fact that he continues to avoid setting boundaries so he can bring dates wherever he wants.

Boundaries for All

One uncomfortable conversation with her might prevent a hundred future uncomfortable conversations. That’s when avoiding becomes an issue. Setting boundaries with them depends on what their actions are in these situations so I can’t speak to it directly but I’ve experienced parallel situations where boundary-setting radically changed my relationship with a person. 

Relationship Insights

This one situation gave me insight into who he is as a person. He’s comfortable lying to get what he wants, he avoids conflict, he lacks boundaries, he’d rather suffer than stand up for himself, and he can be mean.

This is a fine detail – he can be mean/inconsiderate, he’s not a mean person. Sometimes we don’t do things well, that doesn’t mean we’re assholes. This is especially important to distinguish in the dating scene. It’s easy to say, he was mean, I’m done, fuck right off. Through my own self exploration, I was more curious about what his actions said about him – his emotional world, his triggers – as well as what reactions were coming up in me – because I care about him. Ending it wouldn’t have provided me any growth or any insight into myself.

We all have baggage, schemas, maladaptive behaviors we learned to survive at some point, often when we were very young. We figure out how we need to behave within our childhood situations in order to survive. We may have learned that speaking up got us hit by the schoolyard bully or that being a good girl or nice guy pleased our caregivers. We adapt to whatever situation we face. A lot of this is unconscious behavior, we don’t realize it’s happening. “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate,” Carl Jung, psychiatrist. Digging into our unconscious world is hard work and not everyone has done the work. But now, as adults, it’s our choice to decide which behaviors continue to serve us, or not. This is how we get to an aligned relationship – by doing the inner work.

How to Apologize

The next day, he texted a genuine apology – he wasn’t surprised that I was angry, he said I’m sorry, and he said he didn’t understand his own hesitations and was therefore unable to express them properly. More revealing nuggets here. 

He has hesitations about something – me, our relationship, whatever. Still waiting for more info on this one. I can’t read minds.

He knows what he did was mean and hurtful enough to anger a person. And he’s sorry.

The thing about apologies, “I’m sorry” means I’m sorry the consequences are negatively impacting me, I’m sorry I got caught, I’m sorry that I feel bad about what I did. Sorry is nothing without an acknowledgement of the hurt caused, claiming what you did wrong and how you will act differently in the future. A meaningful apology might look like, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings by not inviting you to my party. That was mean. Please forgive me. In the future, let’s talk about our relationship boundaries earlier.” 

If you’re not ready to integrate someone new into your full life, that is fair, that’s your boundary – we all move at our own speeds. Personally, I’d rather expose someone new to my friends early on, as in when I see it moving forward, and see how they mesh. I love my friend group, I respect their opinions, and I’ve seen their foresight into people we bring into the group – we’re often dead-on when we don’t like someone or have hesitations. I have an incredibly open heart and often miss the warning signs of jerks. I give people the benefit of the doubt arguably way too much. I’d rather get the trusted perspectives before I become too emotionally attached. But that’s not everyone.

Aligned Dating & Relationships

All too often we treat dating as a one-strike-you’re-out game. At the first sign of conflict, we bail – they suck, they’re terrible, he’s a jerk, all wo/men are assholes. What if, instead, we treat each relationship more like a valued friendship? I care about the success of this relationship, it’s important to me, I believe the other person wants the best for me. I’m invested in the outcome.

Let’s look at this scenario as if it happened with a friend. Let’s turn the tables – what if it were my actions that made my friend mad?

Change Your Perspective

If I fucked up with someone I cared about, how would I want to be treated by the offended party? I hope they’d hear me out, be willing to listen to a full, intentional apology. I hope they’d give me grace and show compassion in my human failings, in my old habits surfacing, in my old reactive patterns. I hope they’d give me time and space to prove that I am committed to being better, doing better, healing my own wounds so I don’t hurt other people. I’d hope they would understand that those failings are about me, not them. I hope they’d see me working on it.

If I fucked up, what would I do? I would acknowledge their pain and what specifically I did to cause it. I would apologize and ask for forgiveness. I would ask if they’re willing to hear why I think I did what I did, what I’ve learned about myself and what needs to be healed. 

More importantly, what is this relationship teaching me about myself? First off, I noticed that my initial reaction was an ego reaction. How dare you treat me like that! I do not abide! Red flag, run! That’s my ego trying to protect me, for sure. 

New Aligned Patterns

This time in this relationship, I noticed it and didn’t allow it to lash out – I can be a mean girl too, extremely cutting with my words, but I consciously don’t do that anymore. I noticed that voice as the mean girl at the control center and took her mic away. I archives our text thread and muted his notifications so I’d have to consciously seek it out when I was ready to be kind.

I notice and acknowledge my anxiety waiting for The Conversation. I have spun every single scenario I could possibly think of and then some. I’ve imagined what a sweet, nice conversation looks like as well as calling in the dragons for scorched earth. I notice the moment I get quiet, that’s what my mind goes to. 

I’m replaying all of our past interactions to look for more slights from him as well as more things I did wrong for myself. I’m should-ing all over myself. I should’ve done this, should’ve said that, should’ve asked this, should’ve expected that. I’m creating confirmation bias – looking for evidence that supports the deep belief that I’m unable to have a healthy relationship, that I’m unworthy of love, that I have to behave a certain way in order to receive love. That’s my maladaptive behavior speaking. I don’t believe that to be true anymore. I believe people can love me for who I am fully, all my shadows and light, because I see and love all those parts of me now, too. If they don’t, they’re not for me and that’s okay – I don’t need to adapt to please. Hi, I’m Traci, I’m a recovering people pleaser.

Notice Your Framework

In social science and psychology, schema is “a term used clinically to describe maladaptive patterns of thinking that could cause someone to engage in unhealthy behavior, or to struggle to maintain adult relationships” (psychologytoday.com). How we see the world, how we process events, often because of how we learned to survive in childhood. They negatively impact our relationships, with ourselves and with others.

Long before Western psychology, we find a similar term based in Hinduism and spread wide by yogic philosophy, our schemas are our samskaras – a Sanskrit term, derived from two roots; sam meaning ‘well planned’ or ‘well thought out’, and kara meaning ‘the action under-taken (yogapedia.com). “When the world around you comes in and hits, or activates, your stored patterns, you can no longer observe reality objectively. Your consciousness gets drawn in into the activated samskaras, and everything becomes distorted,” from Living Untethered by Michael A. Singer (a follow up to, in my opinion, the essential text The Untethered Soul.)

Schemas and Samskaras in Action

Why am I so anxious? I expect what has happened in the past to be true this time, too. I expect gaslighting – I didn’t say you couldn’t come to the party, you’re blowing this out of proportion, get over it, there’s nothing to be angry about, you’re too emotional. I’m expecting apathy – why are you even mad about this? There’s nothing to be mad about. I expect rage and violence. I’m expect abandonment. My ex fiancé and I broke up over lettuce in a screaming match of epic proportions. Those are results I experienced in the past so that’s what I expect in the future. That’s why I’m anxious. My schemas are screaming and my samskaras are in control.

However, deep down, I truly don’t believe that will happen anymore. I did some major timeline jumping through my healing in the past two years and I created a new reality. We create new realities by the choices we make and the deep beliefs we hold. By being conscious of our schemas and samskaras. I now believe that my emotional world will be received with kindness and compassion, because that is how I treat it and that is how I treat people and will show up in every relationship. And like I said, he’s a new type for me and I don’t see a screaming match happening.

Waiting for the Other

So here I am, in purgatory, waiting for The Conversation. I don’t know what he’s going to say. I don’t know what his hesitations are. There are so many unknowns and this is when I spin out into storytelling – making up scenarios, letting my inner demons run free with all the hurtful things a human could possibly say to me. I’m trying to bring more peace and ease into this time with a few methods. 

Calm the Anxious Reaction

1. Being mindful of when I start spinning out.

Consciously notice the storytelling, the catastrophizing, the self criticism, the digging for confirmation bias. Pause.

2. Getting quiet and allowing the emotions to come up.

Naming the emotions, all of them. Feeling where the emotions live in my body – gut and throat, I feel like I’m going to puke = anxiety. I was angry, I am angry, at being disrespected. I’m disappointed in myself for not trusting the warning signs I saw earlier and addressing them. I’m letting that rage exist and acknowledging that it is worthy. I’m reassuring myself that I’m doing the best I can with what I know now. I am working really hard on my kind mental self talk, on my inner compassion.

Desire is another emotion. I deeply desire a loving partnership. I want a place for growth and kindness and hot sex and raising each other up. I’m anxious about the conversation because in past relationships, I’d be gaslighted, dismissed, shut down, told I was overly emotional or overreacting AND I would stay in the relationship. Deep down, that’s what I’m expecting and that is what’s causing anxiety. I’m reassuring myself that I’m in new territory, I’ve made different choices and I’ve healed a lot to get here. I’m reassuring myself that I am safe, I take care of myself now. A blow up reactions is not likely this time and if he does, I will recognize it and gtfo then. That will be the cue to RUN.

3. Moving the emotions.

I screamed in my car. I rage danced before going out. I exercised vigorously. I grounded myself in nature. I did lion’s breath and kundalini fists of anger. Repeat!

4. Giving my brain something else to figure out.

Our brains love puzzles, love guessing about the unknown, love trying to solve a mystery. I’m keeping it occupied with other tasks in the meantime. Writing it all out, like this. Following a recipe. Planning a trip. Reading a fiction book. Giving my brain something else to chew on. If you don’t want the puppy eating your shoes, give it something else because it’s gonna chew!

5. Making a plan to prevent acting out.

In the past, I would have been in fuck or fight mode. Get drunk, and find a stranger to do one of the two things with, maybe send some mean texts to the offending party while drunk so I could write it off later if needed. While it seemingly felt good in the moment of rage, I was always left with regret, shame, and often physical wounds. At the end of the day, all this led to was letting myself down, it never proved a point to anyone else. If I can bypass my ego reaction, I’m less likely to engage in self sabotage. So I removed the temptations – muted his notifications, hid our conversations, and didn’t get drunk.

6. Figuring out what I want from the conversation.

What’s the best possible outcome or what does my inner child want to hear? What do I need him to hear from me? What are my hard non-negotiable boundaries? What are my top relationship values? What do I want from this situation moving forward?

7. Leaning on others for support and perspective as well as getting in touch with my own truth.

I deeply value a growth mindset. This is an opportunity for growth. I know that because it’s uncomfortable as hell! That’s my biggest signal that something is important – when it itches and tingles and takes over my mind. 

8. Letting go.

I’m a witch, not a psychic so I don’t know how this conversation is going to go. Until then, and regardless of the outcome, I won’t abandon myself and I’ll be as sweet and gentle with myself in the process.

Receiving Input

The day of The Conversation arrived after a few sleepless nights. I found it hard to concentrate on work or much else while I was waiting. I continued my practices, self soothed as much as possible, and let myself be in the state it was in.

In my witchy manifestation life, I previously asked for a partner to practice with. Not a long term partner, not yet, but a testing ground for these tools I’ve developed and been able to hone in other areas with friends and family. I asked for a safe romantic partner to practice with. Be specific about what you ask for! 

I pulled tarot cards on the day of The Conversation, too. 3 of Wands – Virtue – move in new directions with alignment of mind, heart, and action. Ace of Wands – spiritual awakening, don’t hold back, edit, or rehearse your basic nature. The Sun – partnership, collaboration, curiosity, creativity – the Sun is the external expression of the creative mind, love with wisdom, truth and authenticity, and manifested success, through our communication, The Magician. Ace of Disks – manifested success from an organized, centered place. And the 5 of Cups – Disappointment – disappointment makes us feel fragile and vulnerable, it takes us off balance, and is also a transformative state, let go of past disappointments and call on the Hierophant for support during this test of faith. I mean, pretty spot on and great reminders. 

Disappointment comes with expectations. Historically, I put high expectations on others because I have high expectations for myself. Disappointment comes when you go to the tire shop looking for milk – it’s never gonna be there. Be realistic about what other people are capable of, don’t expect them to things against their very nature.

I Heart Therapy

The Universe blessed me with a well-timed regular therapy appointment hours before we scheduled The Conversation. I love therapy. I found a therapist I can be fully honest with (astrology and all), and one that works within the frameworks that make sense to me of CBT and ACT (cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance-commitment therapy).

A little background for perspective – I am working on my dating life in therapy (amongst other things). We’ve spent time investigating and healing past wounds, triggers, and patterns of behavior. We’ve dug into my schemas and maladaptive behaviors, like people pleasing. Recently, I arrived at a point where I feel confident to attempt a more aligned dating life (things take as long as they take). I didn’t find a worthy participant until him. I jumped ship early at a bunch of red flags when it appeared a prospective partner didn’t have the emotional maturity to assist in my growth.

My Triggers

Therapist and I reviewed the case and noted the tools at my disposal. She agreed that it seemed like him acting out for other reasons and encouraged my curiosity. What might be going on with him that would prompt him to act this way? Without being able to divine his mental and emotional world, we talked about what was going on with me (as detailed above) and how to approach the conversation. The whole relationship triggered my core primal fear of rejection. Our ancient brains haven’t quite caught up with the fact that being excluded from a social event is not the same as being kicked out of the tribe to starve and die alone – yet our bodies have the SAME life or death reaction. My fight or flight was activated.

Being surprised with important information makes me revert to old people-pleasing patterns. I say it’s okay when it is most certainly not okay to cope in the moment. Sometimes I rage (this whole thing went down under the fiery Leo full moon, which is prone to ignite all the fire in my own chart, including my moon, our emotional world. I know this from moon tracking – you’ll find me sweating it out with vigorous exercise on most Aries and Leo moons!), but more often I default to fawning. I appease my offenders to ensure my own safety (people-pleasing). I work hard not to default to those past maladpative behaviors but that doesn’t mean I won’t ever be triggered. A perfect example of healing being non-linear and endless, which is why I steer away from that word. I forged a new pattern by calling him out immediately.

His Triggers

And, he was triggered, too. This is how HE acted out. He didn’t handle it well either. Isn’t it nice to know everyone is fallible? We all have wounds, we all have triggers, we’re all gonna fuck up. It is up to us as individuals to address our OWN patterns, while recognizing them in others and showing compassion, while keeping ourselves safe. I wondered how he dealt with his wounds and triggers, and how he treated me on his own journey of self discovery. And not taking others’ patterns personally. The more we talked in therapy, the less I felt his actions were about me at all. My shit is my shit, his shit is his shit. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

If he was also triggered, how could I deescalate the situation and provide a safe space for communication? He suggested meeting outside in nature and I agreed. It’s neutral ground for us both, we could have enough privacy to not be overheard yet also have enough of a human presence to feel safe, and nature itself provides a calming balm. Allow space for him to be vulnerable too. If I start on the offensive, he can’t help but react defensively. 

Love as a Default

I am so grateful for that well-timed therapy session. I polished all my tools and remembered what I truly, deeply value in a relationship – curiosity, growth, and love. I’m a love warrior, y’all. I know it is the way forward in the new world. Having compassion for ourselves as well as others. Being able to operate from a base of love not conquering, grasping, ego-fueled fear. Being brave enough to grow out of old constricting patterns to reach love. Remembering that we ARE love, it is our default state and we have an infinite supply to draw from – like telling the ocean to be wet, it already is and it can’t help but be that way.

The Conversation

I arrived early enough to settle into the space, watch the Spanish moss and clouds dance on the breeze, and breathe deeply. When he arrived, I greeted him with a long hug, and let him settle in, too. I finally asked, so what happened for you on Saturday? He deflected with the usual talk of what we got up to, and I went along with it to get the conversation going. I asked again. He first said, I’m sorry you were mad. FYI, y’all that is a red flag and a half! No accountability, no acknowledgment that his actions caused that anger!

He quickly rephrased, I’m sorry that what I did hurt you and caused your anger. Ok whew! Had he not rephrased, I think The Conversation would have been over and I’d have to walk away. Our actions have impact, whether we intend it or not. We must acknowledge that impact.

He continued explaining that he didn’t want to be vigilant about me at the party, whether I was having a good time or not, if his in-law was overzealous with “get to know you” questions. He didn’t want to worry about me and just wanted to have a good time and enjoy hosting. I asked if there was any reason he thought I couldn’t handle myself socially, that didn’t feel like it was about me. He further explained that (some of) his friends and family believe he needs a partner to be happy so they get overly invasive when he brings a girl around. So he doesn’t know what to do during these “in-between” relationships and he wasn’t sure where we were at.

Listen, Digest, Reply

I replied, “For starters, your friends sound judgey, and if we had a conversation beforehand, like when we were hanging out earlier in the week and talking about upcoming events, I wouldn’t have been mad about your boundaries. In the future, please give me time to process, don’t blindside me because I may react with old patterns in the moment. And for my part, at a certain point in dating, I welcome you to meet and interact with my friends. I like all my people together. I value their perspectives and they know I will do what I want to anyway.”

Note this conversation is going very calmly, very intentionally, with a few laughs even. We’re both taking our time to speak precisely and taking time to digest what we’re hearing. Listen, don’t cross-talk, digest, then respond. 

Where have we been?

Eventually we circled back to the dreaded, so what are we? When we first started having sex, I told him that if he was only interested in sex, please let me know as I will, at some point, get emotionally attached if we continue going out, spending time together, texting daily, AND having sex. If it’s just sex, fine, then I’d rather we cut the rest of it out. He said he was interested in more than sex with me. 

And yet. 

I can feel your eyes rolling. What man is going to admit it’s just sex for fear that the sex will be cut off? I considered that, deeply. And his actions showed interest in more than sex – good morning texts, texting between seeing each other, going out, staying in, etc. Love bombing? Not quite, but interest-bombing for sure.

And yet.

He hasn’t made any attempts to get to know me better. Not asking questions about me. Shit I’m not even sure he knows what I do for work or that I like tea instead of coffee. He hasn’t asked about any of the witchy stuff, this work that I do, reiki or tarot or how I study and use astrology. He hasn’t asked about past relationships, what I want in the future, goals in life or my dreams. He doesn’t seem curious about ME at all. With the exception of a few conversations I prompted or shared, everything is very surface, very shallow.

Conversely, our sex life is awesome. He’s incredibly communicative when we’re horizontal. He asks about my needs, shares his, offers insight, asks questions, responds in the future with information I provide. He’s told me some fantasies and non-vanilla interests. To the point that he’s concerned I haven’t orgasmed with him. After some reflection, last week I told him that my physical reservation may be mirroring his emotional reservation. We talked about more tangible ways to get me to climax, like specific types of extended foreplay, how I respond better when I’m more in my body than my head, specific moves I like, etc.

Also, last week, he shared his new rule that we have to go out to do something so we’re not just staying in and having sex. He didn’t want it to seem like all he’s after. And we have, we do go out, though we’ve yet to see each other without having sex also.

I know. I’m rolling my eyes a bit, too. 

So what are we?

He met the question with silence, a long silence, so I offered to go first, the more vulnerable position for sure. I said I put us in the category of dating, or I refer to him as someone “I’m seeing.” I’m not actively looking for someone else, I’m not on the dating apps, but I would explore a new relationship if someone piqued my interest. We agreed early on that we were not yet exclusive and agreed on what those boundaries look like. He replied that he thinks we’re “friends who fuck,” ethical slut style. We have a respectful sexual relationship and we also go out and do things that friends do. I said, hmm I’m going to have to chew on that a bit longer. 

1. What element of “dating” is he trying to avoid?
2. How is going out+doing things out+having sex different from “dating”?
3. Why does the term FWB conjure up young adult/high school bullshit? Like young girls being taken advantage of by slimy men on a tv show?
4. We ain’t friends.
5. Is this what breaking the old notions of dating looks like or is it an age-old scam?

Definitions Matter

5. The Scam

I’ve spent a lot of time in my healing to ask myself about relationship structures and what truly works best, for me, versus what I’ve been conditioned to accept and expect. I like women and men and thems and don’t think that one single person forever is right for me. I also don’t think I have the romantic bandwidth to balance several full time partners, but I enjoy the freedom to pursue variety.

Technically, this is exactly what I asked for – a low stakes relationship, where I could practice relationshipping. He’s low-stakes because I don’t think he’s my forever partner but figured it would be fun for a while. And he is a great training ground because I’m clearly not toying with his emotions or leading him on, he is fun, respectful, and communicates calmly. The relationship challenges my old patterns, which is essential to growth, core value. I’m paying more attention to what stories I spin versus what is actually there.

4.  We ain’t friends.

He isn’t really in my social circle, though it’s a small town and we will run into each other and I think he’ll be decent after we part ways. There won’t be any actual friend group drama, regardless of how this goes. And, ahem, my friends and I share our emotions with each other and are curious about each other’s lives. We take care of each other.

3. Why does the term FWB conjure up young adult/high school bullshit?

Like young girls being taken advantage of by slimy men on a tv show? It conjures up high school bullshit because that’s what it can be. The adult version looks like having a respectful sexual relationship but the friends part is what usually doesn’t work. Someone catches feels or expects the other person to get on board eventually and is disappointed when they don’t because they never were going to.

I read several articles on FWB just to refresh my understanding. The “rules” generally say, no sleepovers and super intimate stuff like that (even though missing out on middle of the night and morning sex is a total bummer), and not doing dating like things, ie going out. Keeping it to just sex is the more adult, more feasible trajectory for FWB. I have a FWB with a man in an open marriage. The boundaries are clear as glass and it’s great for a respectful, fulfilling, sex-only relationship. We’re not really friends though, we don’t hang out or share secrets or take care of each other emotionally.

There’s a new definition I’m exploring in the dating apps. Straight men keep asking for a sexual partner who they can also hang out with, “true friends” with (sexual) benefits. Is it inherent in looking for sex on app? Is this a more universal reaction to something else? Have we collectively decided on a new definition?

2. How is going out+doing things out+having sex different from dating?

It’s not, really. Dating is getting to know someone and enjoying their company until it’s no longer enjoyable. Dating can be exclusive or not, going out or staying in, having sex or not, meeting each other’s social circles or not, spending the night or not. It can be whatever two people agree upon and that’s the key – communication of what is expected from and by both parties. And deciding when past agreements need to evolve.

1. What element of “dating” is he trying to avoid?

Commitment. He’s trying to avoid commitment. When I started digging into what our rules and boundaries are, this is the word that came up. He doesn’t want commitment. I did not ask for commitment, I did not offer commitment.

This, too, seems to be the new collective desire. No commitment, no future plans, no talk of the “next step” in a relationship, no meeting parents, etc. People seeking people to fill the gap in their life. While they search for The One? Why not have a million tiny emotional connections while looking? Why not practice?

Commitment

To some people, avoiding commitment is a red flag. Personally, it’s not what I’m after right now and I’m incapable of offering to any one person. My commitment is to be honest, respectful, curious, and compassionate – to myself and to others. If you are looking for commitment, this moment might look like, Thank you for being honest, that’s not for me, it was nice meeting you. And end it, confident that you did not abandon yourself, that you choose your relationship with yourself as the most important. To get here, both parties need to be honest with themselves and with each other about their needs. 

This moment is incredibly special for a conscious relationship. He is being vulnerable in admitting his true feelings. He doesn’t know how it will land yet he bravely speaks his truth and does not abandon himself. I can accept or decline this offer based on my conscious needs, speaking my truth, and staying true to myself. 

The Core Issue

I am so relieved to finally dial it down to The Issue. It’s an issue I accept and acknowledge, and isn’t a deal breaker for me, right now. So down the road, if I do want commitment, he can say, I told you I didn’t want that, and I can say, okay, that doesn’t work for me anymore. 

For now, I asked him to join me in the present, not worrying about the future or the past, and just being present with each other. To get back to the fun of exploring another person and ourselves as we’re mirrored back. I asked for more words of affirmation. I realized I need to hear his participation in the relationship. For me, words of affirmation about my body – you look hot, you’re pretty, etc – aren’t enough. I grew up being told I look pretty by my mama, so it’s nice when I’ve put effort into a look, but it’s not that exciting. In fact, it’s kind of boring because I’d like to be seen beyond my outward appearance. I do want to hear that he enjoys spending time with me, that he appreciates my intelligence, that he feels safe with me. Those are the affirmations I want to hear.

Disrupt Relationship Patterns

I now need to clarify what feels the most safe, for me for now, to stay involved in a relationship with no commitment. It’s not going to be the timeline shifting love I truly desire, and it can still be a worthwhile relationship in the meantime. I acknowledge that I cannot change his perspective on commitment, he won’t “get there eventually,” this is not something to fix.

For me, my boundaries moving forward look like:

• A fun, communicative space for us both
• Being treated with respect, in the bedroom and on the streets
• Not limiting or diminishing my light
• Choosing my relationship with myself over this relationship
• Creating non-sexual situations to emphasize the friendship aspect
• Exploring the non-committal freedom of an ethically non monogamous (ENM) situation

Take Charge

I decided that if I don’t have a commitment from him for a future, I should get back to dating. I un-snoozed Bumble and made a new profile on Feeld, an app my esthetician suggested. I got back to swiping and realized that’s my biggest annoyance about no commitment and that it takes a lot of energy and attention, which I would rather be spending deepening an existing relationship. I also had sex with my FWB to reclaim that independence and as an experiment to see how it made me feel and what his reaction would be.

For me, the actual FWB interaction felt good and freeing. I dreaded telling the guy I’m “dating” but kept my end of our bargain and told him “I had safe sex with someone else” before we had sex again. We briefly talked about it, and I answered his questions. There wasn’t any fallout. Okay great, this is something that can continue to work. Had the tables been turned and he slept with someone else, I’d have to wrestle with my own insecurities and jealousy. I’m not sure what that would look like.

Moving Forward

We hung out several times without having sex. He met my friends who said he was nice. He said my friends were nice, too. When I brought up the words of affirmation again, he added that he felt safe and seen by my friends. Great. We tabled any serious conversations for a couple weeks during carnival season here in New Orleans and focused on having fun. And we did. We had a quiet, intimate night together before the chaos started. He treated me respectfully in the sheets and in the streets. I met some of his people, he some of my people, we had non-sexual dates. We had fun together through Mardi Gras and allowed each other independence. It was all good.

Until it wasn’t…

The week after Mardi Gras, we spent an evening together – eating, drinking, dancing, having sex. I got dressed to leave after, it was getting late and I wanted to honor his “no sleepovers” rule. He asked me to stay and cuddle. That sounded nice, so I did. And I fell asleep, which I usually don’t. He woke me up to leave by turning on the lights and handing me my clothes saying, “It’s almost midnight.”

Fire, burning rage.

Again, my reaction was, what the fuck? He kicked me out like a cheap hooker he was done with. (I believe sex workers demand respect.) We don’t treat people like this, any human, especially not a human we like and respect. Again, he apologized. “I feel badly about how last night ended.” I asked him to clarify why, because I knew why I was mad but wanted to know if he knew how he made me angry. “I kicked you out on the street.” Yeah, ya did. Again, he asked for a couple days to process the underlying issue that caused him to act out. What maladaptive behavior is informing his disrespectful actions?

New Relationship Observations

This time though, I didn’t spend two days wringing my hands and pacing in anxiety. I went about my life, knowing where I stood and what to expect from the impending conversation. The waiting wasn’t so bad – I now had confirmation bias that the conversation would be kind, productive, and I could speak my truth without fear of punishment (physical, mental, emotional). I went on another date over the weekend, I hung out with my friends, I enjoyed my time. I had the best conversations about 5D love, relationships, and felt seen and valued with my friends. I felt the love in my platonic relationships. I grounded myself under the oak trees in the park. I got very clear in my position.

• He was a jerk a second time – now it’s a pattern, no more grace. There’s something deeper that’s causing him to act out. That’s his work, not mine. 
• I don’t fix people. I believe them when they show and tell me who they are. 
• He violated our boundary about respect. 
• I can take care of myself, I keep myself safe, I am worthy.
• I could choose my relationship with myself or roll the dice and wait for him to be a jerk a third, fourth, fifth time. 

You Decide Your Worth

Nope, I am done. He holds me at arm’s length emotionally, broke our covenant about respect, and sought to diminish my relationship with myself. I choose me, over and over I will choose me. When you allow someone to treat you poorly, violate your boundaries, disrespect you as a human, you’re telling yourself it’s okay, I’m not worth being treated well, I deserve this. You’re sending that message to YOURSELF. Over time, this breaks down our self trust and our self respect. We start to truly believe we deserve to be treated like shit.

The longer we stay in these situations, the harder it becomes to rebuild our self trust when/if we do leave. How can I trust myself to take care of myself if I keep putting myself in danger, if I allow myself to be harmed? It took me months, maybe a year, to rebuild my self trust after my last damaging situationship. But I did it, I did the work, and in order to trust myself, I cannot stay and accept shitty treatment. He knows he’s acting like a jerk! This is objectively shitty behavior, not a schema of mine. I didn’t have to tell him either time he was a jerk, he already knew what he did was disrespectful. 

Get Clear

This time, waiting for The Conversation was almost peaceful because I was clear within myself what needed to happen and knew that I would protect myself. I wondered if there was anything he could say to make me stay, and there wasn’t. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, I’ll change – nope. I don’t believe you anymore, I don’t trust you anymore, I trust myself to take care of myself though. Whatever is going on with him, in his head, in his heart, is HIS work to do, not my responsibility to fix or standby and receive the blowback. This is the beauty of a low-stakes relationship, to be honest! No relationship is a waste of time if you’re paying attention.

I did my tarot cards in the downtime and they illuminated what I knew deep down inside, what my subconscious was screaming at me, 7 of swords – he has a secret. 

The Breakup

We met at the park again on a beautiful Sunday. The mood was light and friendly between us. He apologized for acting like a turd, his words. He knew I was furious when I left his room, and I told him it took all my self control to not blow up at him then. I also said that he’s rather good at apologizing, to which he responded, “I’ve had a lot of practice.” Maybe apologizing really well is a red flag that they have to apologize too often, and have reason for apologizing frequently.

I asked him if he’d figured out the source of his acting out. He admitted that he’s been holding back emotionally (duh) and said, “I don’t think I can give you what you want.” I asked for clarification, I’m not telepathic, “What do you think I want?” He looked me in the eye and simply replied, “More.” Yup, I do want more. Now that I have confirmation that I’m capable of relationshipping, I do want more. I’ll always want more expansion, more growth. Not that I’m ungrateful for what I have, but I know I am capable of having more. I want to grow, expand, be better, have more, be more. I quoted a dear friend, “I’m not asking for everything, I just want it all and don’t skimp.” 

Accept Responsibility

It’s your fault I acted this way because you want more. Your actions are a reaction to me, yes, but you still chose to act that way. This could be self sabotage – I see you want more, it scares me because I don’t, or I don’t think I can deliver, or intimacy scares me. Whatever the case. Our actions are still our responsibility. Our actions have impact, regardless of intention, and we adults take responsibility for our actions. 

The Secret

I asked him if there was anything else. He said yes. He spent time with an ex visiting during carnival, they kissed, he is still emotionally attached. There it is, the secret. It stung my ego a bit, and also gave me tremendous peace. Before, I would have rationalized “she’s not here so it doesn’t matter” and negotiated how we could still be together. Now, in 2023, I choose me. I’m freaking amazing – I’m emotionally intelligent, kind, fun and cute as hell, awesome in bed, great at parties, and if you don’t see that or don’t want that or can’t handle that, bye. Go find less (Elyse Meyers).

I’m not going to beg you or anyone else to see my worth. I know my worth, I know it deep down in my core. I know I’m lovable, worthy of receiving love, capable of giving love and having a deep, respectful, and fun relationship. 

Today, my decision is clear and easy, no negotiating, no begging to be seen. I see me. I see my truest self reflected in all my other amazing relationships. I’m surrounded by platonic, loving relationships with people (including men) who take care of me, treat me with kindness and respect, see my full lighted being, and love me truly. I know what I’m capable of in relationships, and I do thank him for this time to validate that. Thank you, next (Ariana Grande).

From Romantic Relationship to Friend Relationship?

We discussed remaining friends. We do have fun together and have some specific shared passions that aren’t common – who else would I call for a ska show to skank the night away? He’d be my first choice (okay, second after a best gal pal) for a plus-one to tear up a dance floor. We play well together and that is valuable to us both. He asked, circling back to our very early conversations, if we could still have a sexual relationship moving forward, a more true FWB situation. I said, “I’ll think about it. I have to consider where my TEAM is going – my time, energy, attention, and money.”

We do have great chemistry, fun and safe exploration in the bedroom. And I’ll be looking for new partners, who can give me everything I want – an emotional connection AND great sex. I already have my clear-boundary FWB relationship. This guy? No, you don’t get my powerful sexual energy, time, and attention anymore. You lost that privilege. You don’t get to pick and choose the parts of me you get to keep access to. You lost my trust that you will treat me respectfully. You don’t get the cake anymore.

Benefits?

Before in our relationship, he bought the cake ingredients (texting, staying in touch), he made the cake (dates, time spent together), he waited until it cooled and frosted the cake (foreplay), and THEN he got to eat it (all the fun sexual explorations). If we go back to being friends and we have sex sometimes, we’re right back here, nothing has changed except me conceding my desires. And I don’t want to be here again, I won’t be here again. I do want to be his friend, truly, and to keep that clear, no sex. Ever. However tempting. I choose me and my peace. If it costs me my peace, it’s too expensive (Madi Murphy) and he just skyrocketed out of my budget.

He texted later that night, “Thanks.” For what? “For being a mature adult. Listening. Hearing.” This text arrived right when the sadness hit me. The feeling of loss and heaviness that settled in my heart when I finally stopped moving and got quiet. It was tempting to take it all back, say come over and cuddle me, hold me and make me feel safe. But he can’t make me feel safe anymore. My sadness will pass and I will self source that safe feeling. We texted a bit longer, me trying to figure out if he actually wanted to be friends if sex was off the table. He said he does, we’ll see. I said, “Imma disappear for a week. Holler when you miss me.”

Major Relationship Victories

Has anyone thanked you for a break up? Me, only once before. I’m friends now with most of my exes, or least not enemies. But it’s the new me, the “I’ve done work” me, who is kind and compassionate. I can do that for others because I learned to do it for myself. This is what I mean by acting inline with what I believe. I used to be an ethical slut, I used to manipulate people’s feelings, I used to be mean when I was mad, I used to base my worth on the value other people assigned me, often sexual, I used to dim my light to make others comfortable, I used to do whatever it took to please everyone else at my own expense. Those were my schemas and maladaptive behaviors. That was me as a lifelong trained people pleaser.

And now, as an awakened being, I know love is everything and the most important thing. Not some love and light bullshit either. It took me a long time to truly love myself – all of me. Every shadow, every broken piece, every ugly bit. “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change,” Carl Rogers, psychologist. Those shadows aren’t scary or ugly any more because they’re part of me and I love me, all of me and that’s where I’ve found my superpowers.

5D Love

Love is the fifth dimension, the next level of consciousness, love is our way forward and the new world we’re moving towards. Love is our sacred rebellion to the bullshit patriarchy that only serves the few, not Us. Love that is dirty, gritty, and an ecstatic mess. I exist from a heart-centered place now and I know my job is to bring others here, too. But I had to get here first by myself, for myself, I had to figure out what tools work in order to share. Self love isn’t light and rainbows, it’s shadows and muck. And “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” (RuPaul).

In that way, this turd is a triumph (as most shit is). I showed up in love, I paid attention, I put myself and my desires out there, I emanated my deepest core values. I treated him with love, kindness, compassion, and respect. Truly. Because every human deserves that, even when they act like a turd, because that is the human condition. We’re all going to fuck up, hurt other people, and act like turds sometimes. I will again, too. And I expect to receive the grace, love, kindness, compassion, and respect that I extend to others, that I give myself. That’s 5D love. I’m damn proud of myself. 

Practice

The only way we can practice a more aligned relationship is with someone else after we’ve done our own work. It’s a dialogue, I need a scene partner to practice with. This time, after a lot of self healing work and therapy, I didn’t fall back to maladaptive behaviors. I was triggered and I chose to act differently, to forge new neuropathways by being conscious of it all. I see what old patterns don’t exist anymore. I feel like I did the best I could with what I know now. And I remain curious to see what the next relationship brings to light.

There are things I will do better next time. I will be clear and upfront about my desires from the start, I won’t settle for less than I want, I will pay attention when words and actions don’t align, I won’t hear what I want to hear or assume they know what I’m thinking – I will ask more clarifying questions so I conversations are crystal clear. Thinking back, when I asked him why he thought I was mad, I didn’t dial in to my core issue – that he disrespected me. He knew what actions made me angry, but I just assumed he knew why those actions angered me.

Post Breakup Care

This version of our relationship is over. In order to break the cycle we’re in and maybe actually get to be friends again, I need time and space. Even shallow, casual relationships create a wake in their ending. I expect an emotional connection with my friends as well, for them to fully see who I am, maybe we’ll just be fun acquaintances. Why am I sad? What’s the granularity to the emotion? Sad, how? I look at the wheel of emotions and I dial in. I feel sad, vulnerable, fragile. I feel like I want someone to hold me and tell me I’m safe and that it will be okay. I want to snuggle a kitten who loves me unconditionally.

Maybe I should call one of my platonic loves to do just that – hold me, tell me I’m safe and that it will be okay. It’s that needing, seeking outside, that is my gateway drug to disaster. When I felt like that in the past fairly recently, I let a toxic ex come over and it almost spiraled. I almost got sucked back into his bullshit. Almost. He used to feel safe and he never should have and he certainly doesn’t feel safe anymore – he’s just big warm arms now and that’s not what I seek. I see my involvement in that pattern, I know the point of weakness now. It’s that looking on the outside that has gotten me back in trouble before. 

Self Sourcing

And now, I self-source. I’m learning to self source. I cuddle myself, I rock myself, I tell myself I’m safe and it will be okay. Sadness will pass. I rebuild the most important relationship – with myself. I clean him out of my life visibly – no items of his left here or mine there, archive the text chain, archive the photos, no reminders – and clean him out of my energetic field – smoke cleanse my home, where we spent time together, and myself, take a long cleansing salt shower/bath – cut the energetic cords and call all my energy back to me. 

In the sex magick practice, everytime we share our energetic field with someone, especially with sex and love, we leave an energetic imprint. These imprints depend on how close/deeply/long we connect. Imagine that each time you have sex, orgasm or not, you create an energetic baby. Each hour you spend nestled in their arms, in their energy bubble, you create an energetic baby. Those are my babies and I’m calling them all home to me, for me to take care of, to nurture in my own sexual practice, and to decide when to share with another person again. We need time to heal. The healing time is proportionate to the number of energetic babies. 

Take your time.

Sacred Rage

Lingering beneath the vulnerability is rage. It surfaced after a few days. He lied to me and I do not abide lies. He lied to himself or didn’t want to look at his shadowy truth and I suffered the fallout – coward. He lied to me for months about being emotionally available, even when offered a way out early. He treated me like shit and I do not accept that either.

I should be angry. I allow anger now, I didn’t used to – hello, recovering people pleaser. At this time, I monitor how I act out when I’m angry whereas in the past, it would fly out and hurt other people or myself and I don’t want to hurt anymore if I can help it. How can I transmute the anger into something useful, inline with my core beliefs? That question remains. For now, I acknowledge the anger, I honor it, I tell the anger it has a place, it’s valid, and it’s worthy. That’s how it is sacred. It’s part of me just as much as the love and light is.

Triumph

I’m curious about the feelings of vulnerability and fragility that go along with the sadness. Sad makes sense at an end. Why vulnerable and fragile? Here it is. 

For the first time, I asked for what I want (when I was finally able to identify it) – more – and I did not apologize or shrink to fit. I unabashedly claim my deepest desire of MORE. I want deeper, even knowing the sadness now from shallow. I claim my desire, I speak it aloud. And that is fucking scary! Expansion always is and that’s when I know it’s important, and possible. 

When you reach the edge, discomfort sets in. We’re going out into the unknown and our ego fights to keep us safe in the confines of The Known. I don’t want The Known – I want more. I know it’s possible, too, because I chose myself this time. Brené Brown says joy is our most vulnerable feelings in Braving the Wilderness. With joy comes risk and that feels vulnerable. “If you never open then you’ll never get hurt” is a false sense of security.

Furthermore, if you never open up, you’ll also never experience love and joy. I let down my heart wall and I am happier – even my mama noticed how truly happy I am now. I am going to let people get close to me and the risk is that it will hurt. And joy and love is worth the risk to me. I don’t want to exist without love and joy. I don’t want to exist without feeling good and whole and amazing in myself. I’m not numbing myself anymore – I want to experience the full range of human emotions. I want it all. I want more.

What’s Next?

This is where I’m at now – still healing and processing, ready to accept joy, willing to accept the risk. I showed the Universe I’m ready and I’m capable, and that there is still growth to be had. I made the energetic decision to expand, I served the first ball over the net and now wait to see what the Universe sends back. I have complete faith that I did what’s right for me and my expansion, that this is one of those defining moments. I’ve seen my magic work, I’ve hopped timelines and created tectonic shifts in my life. I am an alchemist – I turn shit into gold. And under the layer of vulnerability and fragility, I’m excited, I’m hopeful. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

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